


Depress

by spartaniii



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Accidental Self-Harm, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 09:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16573862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spartaniii/pseuds/spartaniii
Summary: Depression (Noun) /dəˈpreSH(ə)n/ - a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.orThe last few months have been terrible for Kara, and soon it will all come to a head.





	Depress

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in one night. I've had this idea in my head for a few days now, and I wanted to get it out of my head. And I decided to share it with you. This was edited by me, a dyslexic, and by Microsoft Word. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> Changed the rating to mature, because somebody *pointedly looks at mirror* forgot to put in a rating.

Depression (Noun) /dəˈpreSH(ə)n/ - a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.

Everyone always told Kara she was terrible at keeping secrets, that glasses and a ponytail was a terrible disguise. Truth be told, Lara knew it was terrible disguise. But she stuck buy it, and let everyone around her think she was terrible at secrets, because if anyone dug a little bit deeper, they would soon realize that she was hiding something from everyone, even Alex. Kara Danvers was depressed.

It wasn’t as if she tried to hide it at first. A few years ago Kara even approached her sister, saying that at times she just felt numb, that if she just backed away from everyone, people would ignore that she was never there. She felt like her friends only tolerated having her around because they pitied her, just because she was adopted. And those that knew who she really was, thought she should be happy she survived. 

Alex told her she should just stop being sad, that she should fake it until she made it. Kara tried… and succeeded, but also failed miserably. She convinced everyone that she was happy, her nickname became “Sunny Danvers”; this couldn’t be further from the truth. Worst off yet, Kara couldn’t go back to her sister, because Alex always told her how proud she was of Kara learning to be happy. So Kara hid how she really felt from everyone, well everyone except Lena.

She didn’t tell Lena everything, especially the caped parts. But she related her survivors guilt associated with surviving the “Fire” that consumed her family. They bonded over both being adopted and occasionally what ifs about their deceased families. Lena told Kara it was perfectly natural to be depressed after everything that happened to her. She told Kara to talk with her sister about depression, even volunteered to pay for a psychiatrist. After a couple of months Kara finally decided that she would talk to Alex. 

Alex agreed to meet her at the park, said she had to tell Kara some important news, this would be Kara’s opportunity. After walking together for a few minutes Kara could see something was bothering Alex. She asked what was wrong, and after assuring her that nothing would ever make Kara resent her, Alex broke. She talked about Maggie, about how she confused her attraction towards Maggie as frustration that the reason she never went on more than one date with the same guy, was because she wasn’t attracted to guys. Alex was a lesbian. Kara was horrified.

Horrified that she caused this. That if Kara was never here with the Danvers, Alex may have learned the truth about herself earlier. Kara didn’t care who Alex loved, she just loved Alex. But Kara hated herself that because Alex was so focused on Kara that she never learned who she was in the first place. Kara was the reason that Alex was alone.  
Something must have shown on her face, because Alex took Kara’s expression as disgust or rejection. Kara jumped at Alex causing her to flinch. Kara started to cry, apologizing that Alex was so focused on her growing up that she never took the time to explore herself. Kara resolved to do everything she could to help make Alex’s life easier, even if that meant hurting herself.

Everything started to go downhill. Kara retreated further into herself, and her friends drifted away. James and Winn doing their guardian thing, Alex and Making dating, Lucy was off in Washington. None of her friends payed her any mind. Kara didn’t know to do. Her Earth Birthday was coming up and she didn’t want to make a big deal of it, she just wanted her friends for one evening. So she decided that she would invite people over for a night of fun and drinks, and not mention that it was her birthday, she didn’t want to make anyone guilty. If they didn’t want to come, then she didn’t want to force them. She would still decorate like normal, even get a supersized cake.  
No one came.

That was a night when she reminded herself that she was nothing. That she was a burden, that if she wasn’t on earth, then Alex would never had to ignore herself in favor of Kara. That if she was never there, Jerimiah would have been taken all those years ago. That if she was never here, Alex wouldn’t have been a target on that plane, she wouldn’t even be in danger every day, being a part of the DEO. If she was never Supergirl, National City wouldn’t be a target. If she never made it to earth Fort Rozz would still be stuck in the Phantom Zone. That if she died on Krypton, Kal El, would have had to hide her from Lex, their friendship might not have gone the course it did, maybe he wouldn’t have gone evil and Lena would still have her brother. 

All the thoughts tumbling through Kara’s head made her dizzy. She couldn’t get them out, she needed a distraction. That was when she realized it. When she fought her uncle over Fort Rozz during the Myriad fiasco, she remembered finding a kryptonite knife, that she decided to hide from everyone, that even though it was radioactive and hurt her, it was still a piece of home.

She raced over to her bed and pushed it to the side and found the locked lead box she kept it in. Opening it she pulled it out. She only intended to let the kryptonite weaken her, to let it dull her senses, but she accidentally cut her finger, and it hurt so bad it made Kara cry; but it also felt so good, because all the all the voices in her head stopped due to all the pain. 

She moved to the bathroom and got in the tub, she didn’t want a mess to clean up. She read stories about people cutting themselves and she always thought it was dumb to hurt herself, but know she thought maybe she knew now. So she just made a small slit on her wrist, just enough to hurt, but not be dangerous.  
At first it felt good, but ass the blood continued to seep out, Kara panicked. She tried to stand up and find a rag to put pressure on the wound, but after the night she had, along with the dizzying presence of the kryptonite, she faltered, slipped and hit her head, and everything went to black.

~~~page break~~~

Alex woke in the night with a startling fear, looking at the time she saw it read 2:45 AM. Looking over at her bedmate/ girlfriend, Alex decided she liked that word, she woke Maggie up with a shout.

“Babe! What day is it?”

“Sunddmmp, sorry the pillow was in my mouth, Sunday.”

“No, what is the date.”

“September, 23rd, did we forget something?”

“Yes, yes we did. Yesterday was Kara’s birthday, and also the day Krypton died, along with everyone she ever knew growing up. This year was the year that she would have spent equal amounts of time on both Earth and Krypton, and I completely ignored her.”

Maggie attempted to console Alex but quickly realized the only thing she could do was get dressed. Grabbing the keys she helped Alex get dressed, “C’mon, were crashing your sisters’ party.”

As a cop Maggie took it upon herself to never break the law unless it was absolutely necessary, and judging by the look on her girlfriends face, this was one of those times. A trip that should have been 15 minutes was completed in 7 minutes flat. 

Maggie patted herself on the back and gave herself girlfriend brownie points, because once she parked, Alex sprang to life. She waited until the car had just stopped moving to throw open her door and race out the car towards Kara’s building.

Maggie was huffing as she stepped up the last few steps to Kara’s floor, “Thank God I skipped leg day this week, cause there’s no way I could have kept up with you, babe. Babe?” after she got no response, Maggie looked up and saw Alex frozen in front of the door. 

“Alex, it’s not your fault, I asked you out to dinner, Saturday’s out date night, we just lost track of the day, Kara loves you, she wouldn’t hate you for forgetting her birthday for once. Let’s just open up the door, check up on her, then we can camp out here and make her apology pancakes in the morning.”

That seemed to unfreeze Alex, and she quickly finished unlocking the door, after walking in Alex immediately knew something was wrong. There were decorations all over the apartment, but none of the food was touched, not even the birthday cake. Kara’s dinner was still on the table, unfinished. Turning to Maggie,  
“Something’s wrong, Kara never lets good food go to waste, I don’t want to wait until morning we’re waking her now.”

Alex raced into the bedroom, and her panic went into overdrive upon seeing the bed pushed to the side, a bed without Kara in it.

Maggie saw that the bathroom door was still slightly cracked open, with light pouring out. She steeled herself, she never wanted to go into a girl’s private bathroom, especially one that might have her girlfriend’s sister in it. But seeing the panicked look on Alex’s face, she knew she had to. What she found inside, was something she never thought she could or would ever face in her lifetime.

Kara was laying lifeless on the floor, still bleeding from her wrist, with a kryptonite blade still in her hand, she had heard stories from other officers going into people’s apartments and finding people, sometimes they were lucky and found them still alive. Oh how she wished this was one of those. Crying out to Alex, she said, “Call the DEO! NOW! Get J’onn here, don’t look!”  
but it was already too late, because Alex was right next to her, completely in shock. It was at this time she heard someone else walk into the apartment.

“Hello, is someone here, I saw you run into the building, I know you don’t trust me, being a Luthor, but Kara’s my friend. I will do anythi-“

Cutting who mas apparently Lena off, “Quick, come into the bathroom, I need your help, there’s no time to waste.”

Lena must have heard the panic in her voice, because she came rushing in. Maggie tossed Lena her phone and said, call the number labeled D.E.O. tell them Kara’s in danger.”

Maggie was surprised that instead of using the phone she tossed, Lena used her own, “Vasquez, Lena here, we need to get a medical team to Kara’s apartment, ASAP. She’s, she’s…” swallowing her anguish, “She’s hurt, badly, it’ looks self-inflicted” 

After hanging up, she looked over to Maggie, “Kara’s bad at secrets” looking down at Kara, “Or maybe, she’s better than we all thought, I knew she was feeling depressed, but I thought she worked it out with Alex. Oh God, I am a terrible friend.”

Maggie saw Lena was spiraling and grabbed her attention. “Lena, Kara’s still with us, she’s lost a lot of blood, but she’s not gone yet. You can make it up to her later, let’s just make sure she has a later. Here, find something to put pressure onto her wrist, I will get Alex into the other room.”

By the time Maggie, got Alex into the other room and Lena situated keeping pressure on the wound, while keeping her wrist above her heart. J’onn came racing through the door along with Eliza? She decided to not question it. But she winced when she heard the sharp gasp from the two new occupants. Looking up she saw J’onn walking towards her with a glass of water.

“I know you are both probably in shock, so I want you to drink this. Now can you tell me if you knew Kara was feeling sad, because I sure didn’t.”

“It’s all my fault, I told her years ago, to suck it up, and pretend to be happy, until she could be happy. I’m so stupid, what have I done.”

“It’s ok, Danvers, none of us could have known that Kara was hurting. We all failed her. You shouldn’t be angry with yourself, Kara wouldn’t want that.”

“Can you tell me my sister will survive?”

“I can’t yet, but your mom and Lena are making sure she has the best chance yet, and we will all make it up to her when she wakes up.”

“Don’t you mean if?”

“Let’s not talk like that, we have a medical truck on the way, they should be here any time”

“But what can we do for her?”

“We can be there for her, we will get her some help, maybe even do a group session with her, I will cover for her, Superman goes off world many times, we will make sure, she gets a vacation, take some stress off her shoulders.”

“If, no not if, when she wakes up, we will help her.”

~~~page break~~~

Clouds… everything felt like clouds, floating. Bright lights blinding her. That’s when the numbness set in. numbness led to brightness. No that wasn’t brightness, it was light, but she couldn’t move.

Kara moved to the side just fine, then her arm caught on something. Something that was digging into her wrist. She decided it was time to open her eyes. Ok big mistake, everything was white, bright white. That’s when she remembered last night. The pain and the blood, it was bleeding everywhere. She panicked and slipped on something, but this wasn’t her bathroom, it was way too soft. Like a cloud. That’s when she forced herself to open her eyes, and after her eyes adjusted she realized she didn’t know where she was. She saw the medical equipment, so she knew she wasn’t dead at least. Then on the couch, she saw Lena, Alex, and Maggie, all leaning against each other, asleep. Her heart warmed, seeing her best friend getting along with her sister. But then she noticed the tear stains on all of their faces.

She didn’t mean to make her sister or Lena cry, she just wanted the pain to go away. She messed up, so bad. Alex is going to be so mad.  
Luckily before she could her lost in her thought spiral, the door swung open, and Eliza walked in.

“Mom! I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to do it. I never wanted Alex to cry. She tried so Hard to be the big sister who cared for me. The least I could do, was stop crying every night, and be normal. I just wanted to make Alex proud. Then when she told me she liked Maggie, I realized she sacrificed her happiness to take care of me, and it was all my fault.”  
With tears threatening to pour down her cheeks Eliza decided to interrupt. “Breathe Kara. It’s not your fault. If anything it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have pushed Alex so hard, or you. Please, just promise me the next time you feel sad, call me, or Alex. Or as it seems, you can call Lena”

At the mention of their names, Kara looked over, and saw that the three women, who were sleeping were now awake, and all of them were crying.

Alex was the first to move, she stopped just short of throwing herself on top of Kara crying out, “Kara, I am so sorry, I never should have told you to fake your happiness. I should have been a better sister. I should have helped you when you were hurting, instead of telling you to suck it up and just not be sad anymore. Like that ever helps.”

Wrapping her arms around Alex’s shoulders. It’s OK Alex, it was my fault, Lena told me to talk with you, don’t worry, I never told her the Supergirl part. She is a genius after all. I’m just happy she forgave me for lying to her. I went to J’onn and he approved of her knowing the secret.”

“Don’t worry, last night I was the one to freeze, Lena didn’t. She and Maggie, are why you’re not… they’re why you’re…” Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. “They’re why you’re here right now and not down stairs… in the morgue.” 

Kara crying again responded, “I am so sorry, I never meant to do any of it. I was just so sad. No one showed up to my party, everyone’s been leaving me lately. And the worst part was, I couldn’t be mad. You were with Maggie, and finally in a healthy relationship. Was I supposed to be upset? I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to use the kryptonite to stop the thoughts that it was all my fault they everyone’s life was in danger. That it was my fault Jerimiah was taken. That it was my fault, Kal and Lex had a falling out. That I am the reason for all of the country’s alien problems, because I brought Fort Rozz to earth. Everything is my fault, and I just wanted it all to stop.”

“Kara, stop. You are loved. If you hadn’t been there I wouldn’t,’t have gained an amazing sister.” 

Next Maggie walked over, “If you hadn’t been here, Alex wouldn’t be the woman I love.”

Eliza joined them by siting on the bed, “Kara, not a day goes by that I don’t miss Jerimiah, but I wouldn’t trade anything for you. You two are the best daughter’s in the world.”  
Lena stood at the foot of the bed. “Kara, I think Lex would have gone mad no matter what, If anything it was Lionel’s fault for having an affair, causing Lilian to become overbearing, or maybe it’s just genetics. They’ve always been somewhat anti alien, that’s just how it was. It was never your fault.”

J’onn decided it was time to walk in. “Supergirl, It’s not your fault Fort Rozz came here, and you helped stop them. If anything you have made great strides improving alien relations across the country. The anti-alien sentiment was always there. But maybe if all sides work together instead of fighting, we can help bring peace to this planet. Things are improving because you are a voice for the aliens, many were here long before you. And as for feeling guilty for being the last of you kind, I know how that feels. The best thing to do, is to find something to fight for. That for me is in this room. You and your sisters are like daughters to me. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you as well.” 

 

Wiping away a tear, J’onn continued. “Sorry, this makes me all emotional. Moving forward, the best thing you can do is heal. I’ll help cover the crime, you need to take time off. Let National City’s finest take care of the normal crime, and leave the alien stuff to me. Take all the time you need. We want you at 100%, because we care about you.”  
Lena chimed in, “I have a great therapist, who specializes in discreet cases, and they can be trusted. Maybe we all need to go see them. As long as we are all honest with each other, we can all heal from this.”

Eliza finished by saying, “Truer words have never been spoken, this has been a trying night and now morning. The best we can do is look forward to healing, instead of looking back to our pain.”

There was a peaceful few minutes, then Maggie turned to Lena. "Something I Haven't figured out, why were you there last night? Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound so accusing."

"It's OK, I was working late, and when Jess knocked on my door, she asked why I was still in the office, and not with Kara for her Birthday. I was so shocked that I rushed out the door, but when I final got everything I wanted just right It was already way past midnight, and all the lights were off in Kara's living room, so I decided to wait to see if anyone else showed up, and that's when you pulled in."

"So we all screwed up then, and forgot Kara's Birthday."

"No not everyone, Jess remembered. And besides, remember we're moving forward. Today should be a new holiday among the super-friends. 'Krypton Remembrance Day.'"

Kara Chimed in, "I like the sound of that." Kara then turned and smiled at all her friends and family, a true smile. Maybe everything would get better after all...

**Author's Note:**

> Talking about depression is very important to me. About 8 years ago to this day, I almost committed suicide. I was driving my car to go pick my parents up from the airport. In high school I graduated near the top of my class, and was attending one of the top ranked engineering schools in Texas. I was following in my dad’s footsteps, but I wasn’t happy. I had just failed 3 of my 4 classes that semester, and I had been depressed for about 2 years. I just wanted all the pain to end. I had planned to kill myself, I just wanted the pain to stop. I prayed that if I talked with my parents one last time, I could get them to forgive me, for being a failure.
> 
> I decided to talk with my parent first, and when I told them how unhappy I was, that I couldn’t just follow in my dad’s footsteps, they looked at me with compassion, and told me, that it was ok. They never wanted me to be unhappy, they thought I wanted to be an engineer. So we talked about it, and I dropped out of college, and tried to find something that I enjoyed. It hasn’t been an easy process, but 8 years layer I am happier than I was, much Happier.
> 
> Last weekend I attended my Old roommate’s wedding, and I realized then how much joy I would have missed out on, had I taken my own life. So what I want to say is, it’s never to lake to talk with someone you love if you are feeling depressed. No matter how weird or uncomfortable it feels. Those who love you don’t care. So please talk with your friends or family. The world is better with all of you in it.


End file.
